前两天翻翻杂志，发现大版大版的菲菲的新闻……一篇04年就刊登过的有关菲菲的过去……那些童年的阴影，姐姐们的退役，妈妈的支持，没有假日的训练。烂熟于心。除了刷新的记录，一切都如从前。nothing new.媒体抓他开赛后新闻发布会都有够辛苦，但是他所说的话也如同这4年来他每次接受采访说的一样。focus on myself. promote the sport.

满耳都是菲尔普斯……一个志愿者望着电视直播里穿着泳装的美国队就激动的说是菲尔普斯,那个不可思议的天才……然后我抬头望去，明明是女子的比赛。然后低下头，继续吃饭。

也许很长一段时间内会有phelps phemonenon,phelps fever. 会有很多花花。会有很多人看见我的时候问：今年看见他了吗？会有很多人经意或不经意的说他有多么强，多么popular.

恩。我知道。

我知道。

我还知道if i try harder, pull some strings，我就可以在今年远远的看菲菲一眼。

我还知道除了过去的我，没有人会那么用心的去喜欢一个运动员。

我还知道，在菲菲拿到8块金牌的时候，我对他的感情就停止了。i couldn't and i won't go any further.

我还知道，那个买错的boston的帽子也没有了意义，ann arbor的大学也不再是我的首选，我也不会在踏上美国的土地时傻傻的对自己重复道：这里是他的国家，然后激动得不能自已。

今年的8月看起来也没有那么suck。

也许选学校的时候我还是会考虑马里兰这个地方。

 

2

what can i say? that pool, that cheer, that crowd all belong to lezak~

 

 

10:00am, august 10th, 2008.

no mustache this time; not the Fu Manchu and the Mark Spitz stuff; no messing around.

it's time to mess around the world by getting the first gold. and breaking the world record at the same time.

the transformation from prodigy to god.

and there's only one thing i can say about him.

insanely beautiful

 

so i was thinking about a question. the question that i had constantly questioned my mama; the question that i am questioning my friends ; the question that i will definitly question myself in the future: what do i really want?

boy, that's no easy question by all means.

the thing is, the answer varies from time to time. that's not all. to come up with a perfect answer, one must take the following elements into consideration: who i really am as an individual; who i really am as a part of the environment. it is only after one makes just evaluation of himeslef does he truly know what he really want. it is only after one takes stock of the situation does he truly know who he will really become.

so, what do i really want?

then it occurs to me that maybe i want a fix-up machine:someone who can fix me up everytime i collapse. i want it cuz i myself cannot serve the function; somehow i always find trouble in fixing myself up. then here comes a practical question: does the machine really exist? even if it does, the machine only fosters greater insecurity and might lead to addiction, attachment, dependence. so even if i am in great need of something, it still cannot be the thing that i really want. in another way, even if i have enough of something, it might still be the thing that i really want.

in logic terms, what i really want is not in accordance with NECESSITY, and it goes beyond the limit of SUFFICIENCE.there's no logic at all.

so i am gonna tell you what i really want. i want me to finish a book; i want me to be patient about the progress that i have been made; i want me to be who i had been and who i had wanted to be all along. what i don't want, is distractions. any form of distractions.

re-offender

Keeping up appearances
Keeping up with the Jones'
Fooling my selfish heart
Going through the motions

But I'm fooling myself
I'm fooling myself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say you're sorry
And then you do it again, you do it again

Everybody thinks you're well
Everybody thinks I'm ill
Watching me fall apart
Falling under your spell

But you're fooling yourself
You're fooling yourself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say you're sorry
And then you do it again, you do it again
And again and again and again and again

But you're fooling yourself
You're fooling yourself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say you're sorry
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say you're sorry
And then you do it again, you do it again
And again and again and again and again

 

 

 

it all started on tv.

then it's on the map.integrated with sunshine.further into every conversation. result in laughters.

it is it. it is everything.

it's all the resolutions all the tears all the doubts all the motivations all the hopes.

and like everything else in the world, it dies.

 

it, dies.

as it crawls on the walls, tiptoes towords you, puts away time, it is already dying.

everything dies.

it dies.

 

it dies quitely, slowly, leaving no trace.

your hands become loose on the vestige.

your memory start playing hide-and-seek.

and you are tired.

it is it.

it is it.

 

 

she is at it again.

she is whispering.

she is whispering madly.

she is whispering madly to herself.

all the words on the screen come rushing at her.

she can't take it no more.

 

the insecurites could eat me alive

i'm sick...not that i'm sick of something, literally speaking, i'm sick.

i can tell that i'm sick because of following symptons: eating disorder(a subject to gluttnoy), overlong time of sleep, muscleache, cynicism. yes, i'm sick. psychologically speaking.

没意思。

i still have the sudden impulse to grab his hands when he is around, realizing at the same time that he could totally makes me happy everyday. but can he?  why do i sense dissatisfaction and grudge targeting elsewhere?

i gaze at elsewhere, wondering what it would be like that i let go.

the pictures on the wall, why they all saying one sentence: be grateful. be grateful. be grateful.

 

 

在新的一集grey's anatomy中，meredith和derek都表现出对方是the one，while meredith is figuratively dying alone without the gut to express her love (which is sth she regards as heroic) and derek is sleeping with rose.

once he said, i want to marry you, yet you are not ready.

once she said, you cannot be trusted.

sometimes what has happened left a scar on us, we are haunted by our past and all those possibilities that our past will come back alive and bite us in the ass. none of us can discard the old-me. but what we can do is to pretend the non-existance of the old-me and keep moving on, the best pretender, the best actress, is the winner.

so there's nothing you can do. but your idea of making things right makes me feel much confident that i will be a good pretender.

 

i get really freaked out when the opening of olympic games to today has dropped to like 80 days. has anybody remembered my plan A which involves a fang and a rucksack and the sudden disappearance of someone and the ensuing old-fashioned happily ever after?

 

 

突然间什么都记不起来了，话到嘴边变成了一口气被轻轻的叹出；想提笔写信，却丧失了热情。一切都变成了反复冗长无聊的累赘， 一个理由， 一块挡箭牌，一把锁，一个破灭的梦。 

生活在漂浮。 没有什么永恒。 相信是一种奢侈。

世界上有两种人， 一种是一无所有的赌徒，赌上的是人生；一种人是拥有很多惧怕失去的。他说， 你是后者。 然而 万物皆无， 无中生有， 不同的是态度。 所以，我又在怕什么呢？我什么都没有， 所以不存在失去。

我什么都没有， 所以我不怕失去。在态度上我要是一无所有的赌徒。

看过GREY'S ANATONMY的人都不会忘记CHRISTINA在流产后的那次哭。当然不是传统意义上的那种，而是当她知道她对一个病人诊断正确之后，她说：i'm right...i'm right...i'm right...说着说着开始声嘶力竭开始流眼泪，就是在那一瞬间什么感情都涌上心头，突然间觉得怎么样都没有办法表达自己的感情，只有哭……哭得很自然，但也很费力。

今天我也当了一次流产的CHRISTINA。在知道michael phelps has confirmed you as a friend on facebook之后，不知所措，只有用眼泪来喃喃着什么。有一种歇了口气的感觉，RELIEF，还是RELIEF.哭了一会，然后打开michael的profile，看他的4000多个好友还有100多张照片，看他没有写STATUS，看很多女的的HOTTIE评价，看到菲菲的那个小HERMAN，还有留言: being with him was like dream come true看完了之后开始准备今天的DEBATE，脑袋里什么也没有想，但是空空的，有那几滴眼泪的重量。

然后我说，以后我还会再当3次流产的CHRISTINA。一次是不久的将来我看到他的时候；一次是他ASK ME OUT的时候；一次是他pop the question的时候。感觉有点像跟菲菲合影的花痴女S，但是那又怎么样呢？

i'm right

 

 

they say i should be afraid, because every swimmers are out to get me. fear, is good. POWER BAR, MORE FUEL FOR MORE PUSH.(这个广告的台词太冷了，拍得也让人无奈……最后竟然traditional的让代言人坐在泳池边大嚼所谓的POWER BAR……是不是请代言人花了很多钱所以没有钱请设计……）这个是我们家菲菲最新的一个广告~哈哈~~~

不用想都知道3月是一个繁忙的月份。PRESENTATION,DEBATE,ARGUMENTATION接踵而至，还要准备几个比赛和出国的事，突然觉得自己把自己弄得好忙。不过我不是一个人哦，我知道有人现在在TEXAS，4月份还要去STANFORD，跑来跑去很辛苦，还要被拉去拍奇怪的广告……所以很安慰。偶尔白痴的时候想一下，太阳射进房间，早早起床做有很多鸡蛋的早餐的白日梦。还有晚上一起遛HERMAN的白日梦……^_^

今天跟桃木子她们一起吃饭。给大冷人送行~开心极了。在外面大街上一群人开始耍流氓，讨论谁是馍馍谁是鸡蛋……

我脖子上的项链是一个像小狗牌一样的小皮牌，上面穿着两个字MP。

我今天把相框仔仔细细的擦了一遍，仔仔细细的看了一下那个很模糊的打印出来的照片。是菲菲不知道什么时候拍的，穿衬衫打bow的。

昨天跑步的时候觉得右肺呼吸有点困难，本来以为是stretch做的不够，但是今天还是有点不舒服。

我似乎问过一些人，我问：你到底喜欢我什么 呢。都是没有答案的答案。今天才突然觉得我喜欢问这个问题是因为，如果你们喜欢我是因为我的某种special quality，那么当有人跟我一样有这种quality或者哪天我的丧失了，你们还会喜欢我吗？看，我又开始问奇怪的问题了。

 

 

FOR MIA'S REFERENCE

首先我查了一下"青春喜剧"的翻译,比如有HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA,因为这一个类型的片子大多数是以高中为背景的.比如LINSAY LOHAN的confession of teenage drama queen, mean girl; HILARY DUFF 的 another cinderella story, 2006 年的 John tucker must die 之类的.另外就是这些片子里DRAMA的元素很浓. there will always be a perfect prince: handsome hunk, loaded, having a bunch of cheeks falling for him. you never realize that they are high school students who are supposed to be studying unless you see their school gate or a 30 second's scene in the classroom. because hello~this is drama. 其实 teen's comedy也可以表达青春喜剧的意思,因为这个精确的概括了其针对的观众群体和格调.我们没有看过 teen's tragedy吧,除了一些恐怖片可以勉强算做,但是不象青春喜剧那样成了一派还长盛不衰.其实青春喜剧的故事几乎都是有套路的,比如都有一点CINDERELLA的味道.无名小女生获得超级大帅哥的亲睐,become popular and confident and a legend...不断找寻自我,一个不成熟的depiction of identity crisis which has been solved by a 3 minute conservation, 还有pursuing consistantly about who she really is...既然新鲜感不是青春喜剧的卖点,那么是什么呢?

根本原因在于他拥有一个广大的市场.the younger generation has gradually developed  a greater potential of consumption, greater than any other generations as to entertaining business. thus a movie made to meet their taste is a top priority for box office. a teens comedy reflects teens life and the pop culture, this draws bond between movies and the audience. but more important, is the story. though it is a cliche, but admit it, general public like cinderella type of story.why? simply because most of us are plain jane who bear the dream that one day we are gonna draw the attention and be a princess. kinda like subconscious narcissicm in interation with movies. or the obsession with the legend coming real, on ourselves. 至于电影公司可以借助青春喜剧培养新一代明星,和电影中所谓的时尚元素,养眼帅哥美女,LUXURY之类的东西也是 原因之一吧.

我们原来有讨论过电影到底应该是一个什么样的角色. 显然有些ELITE对美国HOLLYWOOD BLOCK BUSTER 有意见,认为电影不应该是肤浅的.但是承认吧就算在FRANCE WHICH IS FAMOUS FOR THE CULTURE GLORY和高质量的独立电影,在法国HOLLYWOOD的票房也是在60%以上的.站在大众的角度看, there's no need to be too demanding about the role of the movies , after all, most people go to the movies for relaxation and recreation. 有艺术一般的影片出世,那么我们就感激的收藏,何必指着别人骂肤浅暴力?

 

 

 

 

首先,回答一个亲爱的在很久以前提出的问题...关于失败之处的(是的我没有忘better late than never...你不会忘了吧...)不过我的回答可能会跟不回答一样失望.失败之处这种概念是自己独有的,就象长相,别人只有在比较的时候才会用到(大多是进行自己安慰的时候),so in most of the time, they don't give a damn,所以也不会去花时间去思考.所以你一下要我说出你的失败之处,我还真是哑口无言.一个是我也没有想过--主观方面,一个是跟你在一起的回忆都是淡淡的很舒服的那种,所以也没有觉得你哪点失败了.要说一点嘛,就是偶尔我和你留言,你从来都不回...

 明天就要回学校了.不同的是这次是一个人,而且这个人还掉了一个星期的课,并且这个人有可能继续再掉一个星期的课,何况这个人最讨厌catch up with peers.

想到回去有一个城墙厚的catch up to do我就奇躁无比.整理寝室就可以让我collapse, 身体状况不允许操劳啊,想当年整理寝室是比较开心的一件事.回去要找老师消假,买教材,补报告,预习,修ipod,去海淀大药房,还要适应新老师和快节奏人多的生活.忍不住咽下口水,咽部还是有点不习惯肌肉的拉伸.

妈妈说好歹你也算经历了一次人生小变故,应该有所体会吧?身体健康最重要.我想想手术台和血还有吸氧的可怜样子反而象麻醉一样一点感觉都没有完全numb状态.只是有点担心从此以后反应会比较迟钝,而且一个星期的假我也pay my price.妈妈说塞翁失马,我怎么没有看到福呢?不过谢谢那天来看了我的同学,手术之前要你们来真是英明的决定,我现在的样子有点惨不忍睹~~哈哈.

恩,从明天开始我就是 sophomore了啊~~

逃出医院的时候满脸的微笑与满足，虽然一个星期后还要什么什么，但是至少我的小小假期开始了。

讲话，TALK，去民众，砍价。不是最佳状态但是旁边有佳。买了小装饰品，花花哨哨的，不知道适不适合但是很漂亮，金色银色闪闪的。恩，很好。

和佳讲话的时候说到了很多人。比如罗韧：他很胖了。然后在LI的空间里看到了一个神色跟罗很像的胖子，然后暗自惊呼了一下……还有LI，小可爱一个。还有爸爸，在清华西门耍流氓。当然还有小朦朦。我们都觉得VANYA变了，这个小孩现在是我们之中最最坚定的一个，看到她真的有看镜子的感觉。充满希望的反射阳光，有的时候会刺疼我的INSECURITY。佳佳好象还是老样子，但我不知道我们这群人在各自的大学里是不是也是这样子。反正我觉得我不是。

我们说到变化。我觉得上了大学和没有上可能还是有区别。比如爸爸我就觉得一摩尔都没有变。耍流氓时的小小的表情，一点都没有变。

我们可能现实了，但是至少我们清晰了。太清晰，我就又害怕了。害怕不够我还讨厌。比如我就特别惧怕2008的到来。it's like a burden hanging around my neck，没有办法安逸。

LI，我没有去看你，可能也是有点怕。

反正不管怎样，我的大一结束了。

 there are those who hate july, for it is a month full of farewells.

there are those who like july, for it is a month exclusively dedicated to family.

i love july.

i suffered a bad breakup, i was stranded in school, and i missed my mummy.

still, i love july.

because when it ends, it means i could bury all my sorrows with it.and i could go back to where i was.

a new beginning is tiptoeing