梦开始的地方---毛毛's

i'm sick...not that i'm sick of something, literally speaking, i'm sick.

i can tell that i'm sick because of following symptons: eating disorder(a subject to gluttnoy), overlong time of sleep, muscleache, cynicism. yes, i'm sick. psychologically speaking.

没意思。

i still have the sudden impulse to grab his hands when he is around, realizing at the same time that he could totally makes me happy everyday. but can he?  why do i sense dissatisfaction and grudge targeting elsewhere?

i gaze at elsewhere, wondering what it would be like that i let go.

the pictures on the wall, why they all saying one sentence: be grateful. be grateful. be grateful.

 

 

在新的一集grey's anatomy中，meredith和derek都表现出对方是the one，while meredith is figuratively dying alone without the gut to express her love (which is sth she regards as heroic) and derek is sleeping with rose.

once he said, i want to marry you, yet you are not ready.

once she said, you cannot be trusted.

sometimes what has happened left a scar on us, we are haunted by our past and all those possibilities that our past will come back alive and bite us in the ass. none of us can discard the old-me. but what we can do is to pretend the non-existance of the old-me and keep moving on, the best pretender, the best actress, is the winner.

so there's nothing you can do. but your idea of making things right makes me feel much confident that i will be a good pretender.

 

i get really freaked out when the opening of olympic games to today has dropped to like 80 days. has anybody remembered my plan A which involves a fang and a rucksack and the sudden disappearance of someone and the ensuing old-fashioned happily ever after?

 

 

突然间什么都记不起来了，话到嘴边变成了一口气被轻轻的叹出；想提笔写信，却丧失了热情。一切都变成了反复冗长无聊的累赘， 一个理由， 一块挡箭牌，一把锁，一个破灭的梦。 

生活在漂浮。 没有什么永恒。 相信是一种奢侈。

世界上有两种人， 一种是一无所有的赌徒，赌上的是人生；一种人是拥有很多惧怕失去的。他说， 你是后者。 然而 万物皆无， 无中生有， 不同的是态度。 所以，我又在怕什么呢？我什么都没有， 所以不存在失去。

我什么都没有， 所以我不怕失去。在态度上我要是一无所有的赌徒。

看过GREY'S ANATONMY的人都不会忘记CHRISTINA在流产后的那次哭。当然不是传统意义上的那种，而是当她知道她对一个病人诊断正确之后，她说：i'm right...i'm right...i'm right...说着说着开始声嘶力竭开始流眼泪，就是在那一瞬间什么感情都涌上心头，突然间觉得怎么样都没有办法表达自己的感情，只有哭……哭得很自然，但也很费力。

今天我也当了一次流产的CHRISTINA。在知道michael phelps has confirmed you as a friend on facebook之后，不知所措，只有用眼泪来喃喃着什么。有一种歇了口气的感觉，RELIEF，还是RELIEF.哭了一会，然后打开michael的profile，看他的4000多个好友还有100多张照片，看他没有写STATUS，看很多女的的HOTTIE评价，看到菲菲的那个小HERMAN，还有留言: being with him was like dream come true看完了之后开始准备今天的DEBATE，脑袋里什么也没有想，但是空空的，有那几滴眼泪的重量。

然后我说，以后我还会再当3次流产的CHRISTINA。一次是不久的将来我看到他的时候；一次是他ASK ME OUT的时候；一次是他pop the question的时候。感觉有点像跟菲菲合影的花痴女S，但是那又怎么样呢？

i'm right